Everything I Do, I Do it for You
by pinkluver93
Summary: "Admit it, Critic..." Nostalgia Critic/Hyper Fan Girl


_A/N: As goes the last story, ya might wanna check out the 2nd Hyper Fan Girl Vlog on Youtube in order to get some things referenced here. This does contain some of the nature of the NC episodes, such as slight violence and language, so beware. As always, hope you all like it :)_

Another shooting day was complete, and Malcolm was getting his things together so he could go home, kick his shoes off and watch some _Sam & Max _on Netflix. Nothing sounded better than that right now.

He was just about to exit the front door when a short figure appeared in front of him and closed the door. Malcolm's heart skipped a beat, and he was taken aback a bit, but tried to get past whoever it was, trying not to be so easily scared.

"Silly Malcolm, just because I'm short, doesn't mean you can easily get across me."

He instantly recognized the voice, turning the light on and sighed. "Hyper Fan Girl? Whew, thought you were a burglar or something."

"Nope, remember that this place doesn't even have locks installed, so anyone can just come and go as they please...that's what I think anyway."

"True. The Critic is kinda naive that way...anyway, what are you doing back?"

She slyly smiled. "Well...I accidentally..took something of the Critic's.." She pulled out an envelope, covering the name it was actually addressed to. "I accidentally took a piece of his actual mail when I thought it was an embarassing fan letter I wrote to him. Turns out he...threw it away."

Malcolm chuckled. "I think it was Rob that did that. He likes throwing the Critic's fanmail away to mess with him."

HFG's eye twitched a bit. "Hmm..that's a loose end I'll have to deal with later."

"Wait what?"

"I-I mean OH Rob and his adorableness! Anyway, can you tell me where he lives? That way I can drop it off at his house and-"

Malcolm chuckled. "C'mon, you really think I'm gonna tell you where he lives? You're an obsessed fan, and I'll get in trouble if you show up at his house."

"B-but I won't tell him YOU told me!"

"He'll know it was me! Plus, I don't think it's a good idea if you go, he'll file a restraining order against you and you won't get to break into the studio and asks us bizarre questions for your videos!"

While Malcolm tried to keep that pleading smile on his face, HFG smiled. "How much money do you want?"

"I'm not doing it-"

"C'mon, Malcolm! It's an important piece of mail!"

"Pfft, oh yeah?"

"It's his tax return check!"

He shrugged. "He can wait on that."

"Jury duty!"

"Big deal."

"What if it's a traffic ticket?"

"He doesn't care about those!"

She looked at it again and gasped. "It looks like an arrest warrant!"

"What? Lemme see that!"

She put it behind her back. "Hey! Tsk tsk, Malcolm! We can't read other peoples' mail, that's disturbing their privacy!"

"Then how'd you know it was an arrest warrant by just looking at the envelope?"

"My...my grandmother's had tons of them throughout her life. I know what they are just by touching them...and looking at them a couple times. If they're not responded to immediately, he could get in even more trouble."

Malcolm sighed, not knowing what to think of this. "Well, I guess we're gonna say goodbye to the Critic for a while. Sucks."

"So you'll tell me where he lives so I can deliver it to him?"

"Well his house is on my way home, so I think it'd be better if I just drop it off to him-"

Within two minutes time, Malcolm was tightly tied up in a chair, wriggling and trying to get out. "Where'd you learn how to tie knots like this?"

"It's simple, Mal-kie.." He cringed at the nickname she intended to force on him. "Tell me where the Critic lives, or I'll subject you to a torture not even Michael Bay would wanna face!"

Malcolm chuckled. "What could you possibly do to me? Show me a slideshow of nude photos of the Critic you somehow obtained?"

She devilishy smiled. "...T-there's nude photos of him? And I haven't found them yet?"

His eyes bugged out and he shrugged.

She tried to shake off her hormones in this serious situation. "Nonetheless, that's not even tourture, that's everyones' dream come true! I'll make you sit through...the whole _Problem Solverz _series!"

"NO!...wait, that show only had like 20 episodes. That's not a long torture."

"Well...I'll play Lil Wayne and Dubstep in the background while the series is played on repeat!"

She could see he was visibly getting more and more disgusted and frightened, and she thought of one last thing.

"Oh, and I'll burn all your _Sam & Max _merchandise-"

"NOOOOOO! Please, please! Anything but my Max T-shirt and those custom-made backpacks!"

She got closer to him, grabbing his shirt collars. "Then tell me where the Critic resides! Tell me!"

The voice went through his head like a satanic request.

"I-I give up! I-I'll tell you!"

It took HFG a good 20 minutes to get to her destination. She stood outside the house, enjoying the glorious view of the front yard, seeing his car parked in the driveway. She felt so giddy..like as if she was his wife returning home from work, and was so excited to see that her hubby was there too.

_Mrs. Critic rings so many bells...wedding bells...heheheh.._

She proceeded to find a window she could view him in. It was the early evening after work, where would he be right now?

_He could be watching TV...most likely Game of Thrones to be exact!_

She got down to the ground and started crawling towards a bush that sat outside the Critic's window. The branches scratched at HFG's glasses, but she still managed to climb in and slyly peek in the window...he was nowhere to be found. And the TV wasn't even on, so there was no way he was watching it.

_Damnit! He'll definitely catch me if I peek into the kitchen..I wonder if his bathroom has a window?_

The only other place he could be is...the bedroom..watching funny videos on the internet, or watching other kinds of videos..

HFG could only imagine what they'd be...

She couldn't daydream for long while she just sat in his front yard like this, she had to take action! She went around to the back of the house and found a back door. Coming in through here would probably not spook the Critic as much as her going through the window or something. Plus, she hypothesized that he'd be upstairs, therefore he wouldn't be able to hear her come in...maybe.

She nudged on the locked doorknob, fidgeting through her pockets to find a tool to get it open..sneakily of course. Creeper girl that she was, she could get out of a prison cell with a paper clip and a couple staples. That grandmother of hers had taught her well. With that, she found a bobbi pin and played with the lock a bit, getting it open in no time.

Like bright lights in a doe's eyes, HFG begged to see what was before her...**The Critic's Home**. For a single man, he seemed to decorate his home exceedingly well. She walked around a bit and sighed dreamily, talking somewhat quietly to herself.

"Children, come inside for dinner. Then afterwards, your father will teach you the ways of his wonderful craft."

"My craft?"

"Yes my love, the one you-" Hyper Fan Girl's heart jumped out of her chest, as she looked up and saw him...the Critic...at the halfway point on the staircase, arms crossed and not looking amused in the slightest.

"Uh...wrong house!"

With that, she darted off quickly before the Critic could chase her, finding a room she could hide in. The bathroom had to work for now. She couldn't even calm down to admire the exquisite bathroom since she knew the Critic would eventually close in on her. And who knew what he'd do to her! She devilishly smiled.

_Oh...the things he could do to me! Imagine the price I'd have to pay for breaking into his house! EEEEEE!_

In no time, she heard Critic walk up and start pulling on the door.

"Get outta there, Fan Girl!"

"But..I'm using the toilet!"

"No you're not, you're just hiding in there! GET OUT HERE!"

HFG felt that weird pain in her heart, the one you get when someone yells at you for any reason. She felt this weird adrenaline rush come upon her, his anger seemed to fuel it. There was no way she was leaving right now.

Critic knew this too, so he sighed. "I'm giving you two options. You either come out here and I'll take you as far away from my house as possible, or..I'll call the cops and THEY'LL take you as far away from my house as possible.

She crossed her arms. "I want a third option!"

"Tough shit, those are your only ones."

"I'm afraid leaving isn't an option, Critic."

"Oh yeah?" He looked intently at the door. "So a restraining order isn't gonna bait you out of here?"

There was silence for a few minutes.

"Fine...you know what? Screw this."

HFG listened to the footsteps. She kept listening until she figured he'd be far away, then she could...plan her unwanted escape. She'd done so much work to get here but now that she was here, he would call the cops, and she'd be in so much trouble! The vlogs would be cancelled and she'd be in jail!

_Why did Fat Grandma never warn me about this?_

She put her ear to the door again, and when she heard no breathing or any kind of presence nearby, she slowly exited the bathroom and tip-toed towards the front door...

"Hey!"

"AHH!"

The Critic blocked her from leaving the front door. He had that look like, 'My mother-in-law just left, and I need to take my anger out on someone'..

She slowly backed up in terror as he came closer. "Critic! I-I was just leaving!"

He smiled and crossed his arms. "Why? You broke into my house so you could stalk me and spend time with me against my will, right? So you can make sure you'll forever ruin my image and respect for fangirls and fans as a whole and make sure NOBODY...not even the FUCKING cops enter my house without a thorough inspection to make sure YOU are nowhere to be found in their luggage! Is that what you intended to do?"

She started to sweat. "No s-s-sweatie..er-sweetie, not at all.."

"BULLSHIT! And stop calling me pet names! We're not together!"

"B-but in my mind we are.."

"Yeah, your mind is as accurate and trustworthy as fucking Wikipedia! They said I was dead and that I'd be reviewing American Pie!"

"NOO don't die! I-wait, you're gonna review American Pie?"

Critic was about to spaz out. "STOP TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT! The point is that YOU'RE crazy, what you believe is TRUE is crazy, and you need to stay as far away from me as possible...because you're making me even MORE crazy!"

"EEEE!" HFG cried. "Crazy in love, right?"

"GOD DAMN IT!" Critic responded by smacking her right dab in the face...apparently so hard it caused the stout fan girl to fly across the room and fall to the ground. She now rubbed her cherry-red cheek.

Critic chuckled a bit. "Clumsy ox..." But he soon realized what he'd done..and felt some remorse. He walked over to her, crouching down.

"Shit, are you alright?"

"Just a bit of a sting...I-I'll be fine..where'd you learn to smack?"

"What do you mean?"

"I practically flew across the room! Isn't that..scientifically impossible?"

Critic smiled and rubbed his face as he remembered. "Oh, I've gotten practice on my smacks and hits. I run into a lot of people that don't like my videos and joyously support the movies I despise and..well, it's funny to see them get smacked so hard it causes them to fly across the room."

Her eyes became the size of frisbees. "Oh my God. You thought it was funny when I almost lost my head?"

Critic frowned and sighed. _She's trying to make this into a 'Full House' speech, isn't she? _

"I-I didn't wanna hurt you, I smetimes lose myself when I use that power...you DID piss me off, but it's not like I wanted your head or anything."

She chuckled. "That's good. I doubt my head would look good on a mantle."

Critic was laughing along with her, but then he realized something.

_Wait a fucking minute! She's not gonna laugh or cutesy-cute herself out of this one! She's gonna pay for breaking into my house and...making me feel bad for her! _

"I guess I should get going, unless..well, you WANT me to stay, and in that case I'd love t-"

"Oh, you can stay alright."

She gasped with glee. "Really?"

"Yeah, you're not going anywhere. You're not getting yourself outta this one, no..you need to be taught a lesson, a lesson in NOT breaking into peoples' houses." He saw her give a dirty look and flicked her on the nose.

"OW!"

"Get your completely messed-up head out of the dirty gutter! I've got plans for you...CLEAN plans!"

Critic sat on his couch watching reruns of his old episodes while HFG...was washing his windows and serving him snacks? And instead of her usual attire, she wore a black polo shirt and work pants, like she was hired to work at Burger King or some fancy restaurant.

"Jesus, I was such a DOUCHE back then!" Her 'boss' proclaimed.

She sat a big bowl of Cheerios 2 down on his lap. "It's so cute that you like to watch old videos of yourself."

He looked up at her. "Huh?"

"Well most people would call you a narcissict or just flat out cocky...but I think it's kinda cute that you like to look back on your old videos, like they were the most cherished works anyone's ever seen."

"It's not because I like to watch myself...I'm not THAT arrogant! I just like to...see how much I've improved. And...I guess it's like watching old family videos; it's nice to cherish the memories."

She smiled and patted his shoulder. "That's so sweet of you...you gotta love a guy that can look back at his past and laugh at himself."

He blushed a tad. "Well I-I do enjoy doing that and..hey wait a minute! This isn't some fan episode of _Will and Grace_! Get back to work!"

"Fine, fine, glad we could have a 'talk'!" She grabbed the Windex and began to spray some more windows.

"And when you're done, I want you to do the bathroom next, and clean AROUND the toilet, not just on it!"

She looked back at him and put her hands on her shoulder. "Hey, take it easy, you're acting like I'm your wife or something!"

"Pfft! Oh, what? You wouldn't like that?"

She smiled. "So you're saying YOU would like it?"

He clenched his fists and mumbled angrily. "I was SAYING that...YOU'RE acting like you wouldn't wanna be married to me! That doesn't mean I am seconding the notion, because you're the LAST woman I'd ever want to...well, be married to!"

HFG turned around and crossed her arms. "You've got SOME feelings about me.."

"What was that?"

"Well, you obviously don't mind me being around so much if you're having me do your house chores!"

"You're like hired help...that's here to work for free instead of me calling the police.. so what? Does that mean everyone I hire to work here I'm gonna automatically want to screw?"

"Admit it, Critic! You enjoy having me around!"

"Fuck you!"

She blushed and grinned. "I'm flattered but it's still kinda early to do that."

When she saw Critic about to lunge at her, she put her hands up.

"Okay, okay, I was just joking, jeez!"

"Good, now GET BACK TO WORK! And don't talk to me for the rest of your...shift."

She started to reach in her pocket for some wipes to clean the bathroom when she pulled out a piece of paper...

Critic was now about to find the movie he'd watch for his upcoming review when she walked in front of him. He glared at her.

She handed him a piece of paper. "I forgot to give you this. This is why I wanted to come here in the first place."

He looked intently at it, no emotion on his face. He looked back up at her, then back down at the thing again. He slightly nodded as he studied it, his peripheral vision noting that the big-eyed fan girl was now returning to her post.

When he realized she'd completely left the room, he smoothed out the paper...the picture. The fan art she'd made of herself giving the Critic a limited edition DVD of _Citizen Kane_. She'd designed them as anime characters, so of course, the anime version of him had hearts around his head and he was smiling like a maniac, while she had the most content smile, hearts around her as well.

He looked back again to make sure she wasn't anywhere to be found, and then smiled down at the art. He continued to gently smooth the crumbles out of the picture as he glued his eyes to the TV.

_She'll never catch a hint..._

_She's annoying as sin.._

_She boils my blood more than Film Brain and Linkara put together!_

He smiled down at the art again, smoothing out those annoying crumbles once more.

_But...she's a damn good artist. _


End file.
